Mossy Oak Forum / General Discussion / Humor Me

Made just for turkey hunters

TheRomer — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:17:53 GMT

this will get ya all fired up before you hit the woods in the mornings

Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom

FL_Cracker — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:00:46 GMT

The Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99.5% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

22. If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I LOVE THIS ONE!!

BowBo — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:15:57 GMT

Rednecks and elevators

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A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the older father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life.... I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his boy and said, "SON........... GO GET YOUR MAW!"

Redneck's Pet Fish

BowBo — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:06:25 GMT

A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full
of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The
game warden asked the man...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several m inutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but
we ain't as dumb as some government employees

New $5 bill!

TrailCamMan — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:22:46 GMT

Better hurry up and get one while you can!

Music in the Woods

Bass — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:53:58 GMT

I love to listen when im it the woods and Blue Man Group is my favorit band. you can visit there website at www.blueman.com and there music is on itunes. I made this vid on ther w Create Your Own Video ebsite.

Found this to be very funny

TheRomer — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:31:47 GMT

could not stop laughing

Grace Before his Meal

crump — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:41:54 GMT

An atheist was walking in the woods one day and was admireing the

the beauty of nature. The song of the birds singing, the majesty of

the mighty river flowing and the strong tall trees.

Just then, the atheist heard a russtle in the bushes

behind him. When he turned to see what it was, he

saw a 7 f.t. Grizzly Bear behind him. Panicking he

began to run, the bear hot on his heels. As he ran down the path

he turned to see how close the bear was and stumbled and fell. As

he rolled over to get up the bear put one massive paw in his chest

and raised the other to deleiver the deadly blow when the atheist

suddenly cried out, "OH MY GOD!"

Time stopped, the river didn't flow, the birds stopped in mind song and

the bear froze above him. The sky opened up and a great light shined

down upon him and God said,"All your life you have not believed in Me.

You have tryed to teach others that I do not exsits and that the world

was created by a cosmic event. Yet you call upon Me now as a believer."

The atheist said,"No God I do not. That would make me a hypocrite. But if You would,

could You make the bear a believer?"

God said," It is done."

The sky closed, the river flowed and the birds sang. The bear however,

got down on his kness, bowed his head and clasped his deadly paws

together under his chin. The atheist, seeing this, allowed a tear to

start down his cheek. Just then, he heard the bear say," God we thank you

for the bounty You have placed before us and ask that You to bless this food

we are about to recieve. AMEN!

Record book whitetail

pabowhunter — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 08:04:03 GMT

What do you think this one will score!

PETA

NoDak_Hunter — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 22:34:35 GMT

What do you get ......

MadJack — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 13:55:18 GMT

When your SCION (Teddie car) hits a brick wall?
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A laptop!
I had a white Scion go by me today, a white one, and had that thought!

Ghost in an asylum?

crump — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:41:23 GMT

I'd say there would be a few "insane" fols there for

one night at least!

http://enews.earthlink.net/article/str?guid=20080327/47eb29d0_3421_13345200803271276692917

If the link don't work, someone help. This is my first time

trying this. Thanks

New Bull

FL_Cracker — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 14:36:34 GMT

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and thus a discussion began.

First Bull: "Boys, I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we all agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this new bull is going to get HIS cows, but I not giving him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPING MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I'm going to keep all MY cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the Biggest Meanest Son-of-******in-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just trying to make sure he knows I'm a Bull!"

Medicare in a Nutshell

Jason — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 08:34:01 GMT

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS.We can't tell which are your husbands."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.
The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

REST IN PEACE

Flintlock1776 — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:44:11 GMT

Browsing Old Cemeteries

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

============================
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the

Car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no

Place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in

East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The

Good Die Young.

=============================

In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And

The Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace

Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me

For not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,

England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went

Out of tune.

==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls ,

Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,

Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

==================================

In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I

As I am now, so shall you be.

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing

On the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent .

Until I know which way you went.

Marriage counceling

RajunCajun — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:19:19 GMT

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage . When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I am either hunting or fishing, depending on what season is in!

Junior Meets Jesus

BowBo — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 06:40:48 GMT

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked,

"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,

"Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly on crutches

He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,

"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Soda!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of Soda, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Hillbilly jumped up and yelled, "Please don't touch ME Lord... I'm drawin' disability!"

Exercise for folks over 40

BowBo — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 12:41:00 GMT

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find
that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

Who says rednecks aren`t bright!

Techno — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 09:02:08 GMT

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding ****** inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no ******. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy."

De`duck won!

Techno — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 08:56:55 GMT

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal ****** fights being held in the area around Lafayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. Desormeaux reported to his sergeant the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups in dis ****** fightin," Desormeaux began.

"Good work Desormeaux! Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," said Desormeaux, "I went down and done seed at ****** fight, I knowed de Aggies was involved whan a duck was entered in de fight."

The sergeant nodded. "Ok, I'll buy that, but what about the others?"

Desormeaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de cajuns was involved wen sumbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant. "And how did you deduce that the mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

Towing 101 !!!

Blazin270 — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 08:16:55 GMT

OMG!! I would have loved to been a fly on the wall for this one!!!

http://s123.photobucket.com/albums/o281/blazin270/?action=view¤t=CarStuckInSnow.flv

The Truth about Roswell

BowBo — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:43:30 GMT

UFOs

Almost 60 years ago

THIS IS TRULY FREAKY...............BUT MAKES SENSE NOW

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with a dumb donkey? Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

Moral of the story...

BowBo — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 08:13:21 GMT

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down

so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

HillBilly High Rise Condos

BowBo — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 07:54:31 GMT

The perfect retirement center!

Bank Robber

BowBo — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 08:06:34 GMT

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

HOLY MOLY!!

BowBo — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:52:39 GMT

Where is this gal from............................... from under a rock somewhere??

Click on pic....

How it works these days!

BowBo — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:37:13 GMT

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.

One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third from Florida.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!", replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works !!!

Murphy's OTHER 15 Laws

BowBo — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 11:45:42 GMT

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well. night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Pit-bull vs. Porcupine.....

WhitetailFanatic — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 13:36:22 GMT

OUCH

AND DOUBLE

OUCH!!!

Pit-bull vs. Porcupine.....
A Pit-bull decided he would battle a Porcupine in back of his house here in Southern California..
But being both brave and stupid, he ultimately learned the hard way that he can't always win,
No matter how tough you are...

A vet sedated the dog, and then removed a total of 1,347 quills.
The dog survived, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson.......

Don't Mess With Porcupines!!!
Man - that has got to hurt big time.

NHL draft in Iraq

Flintlock1776 — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 19:32:00 GMT

The New Jersey DEVILS foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play hockey and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

The New Jersey DEVILS sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the New Jersey DEVILS are down 4-0 to the Rangers with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game!

When the Iraqi player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says.I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of

looters, and all while you were having such great time, playing a game."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom. "It's your fault we moved to Newark in the first place."

What Dads do with their kids toys.

Gauge — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:52:12 GMT

Ya'all will like this 1. Gauge

The three surgeons

RajunCajun — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 22:00:04 GMT

Three surgeons were drinking in a bar when one says he is the best because......

I had a man come in with all his fingers cut off. I sewed them back on and 6 months later he is playing the piano!

Other says..... I had a guy that has both legs cut off! I reattached them and he ran in a marathon 5 months later.

Older surgeon looks at the both of them and says.....

Amateurs.... I had a blonde that was in a head on crash with an 18 wheeler hauling livestock.

All that was left was a handful of blonde hair and a horses ******......I put them back together and she is now running for President!

BUSTED!!!!!

WhitetailFanatic — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 11:23:57 GMT

I guess we should keep our eyes open for overloaded DOT trucks. Pretty clever

Texas DOT Vehicle stopped by an alert DPS Trooper on I-10 between San Antonio and Seguin,TX

The Mexican's cloned a Texas DOT Truck and got busted smuggling drugs...

I wonder how long they got away with it before they got busted?

Let's give them more welfare money, more of our Social Security money, and raise your taxes to fund their free-ride... !

Welfare Office

NerdHick — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:18:03 GMT

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You're messing with me!"

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

Hunter Went on Safari

BowBo — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 15:19:24 GMT

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.

Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

HIS LAST REQUEST

BowBo — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 07:18:00 GMT

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The Priest says, " Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

S he says, "That he did, Father."

The Priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun... "

AN IRISH DRUNK

BowBo — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 07:17:00 GMT

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

" Oh, thank Heavens," sighs the drunk.

" For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

love seat swing

pabowhunter — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 10:03:22 GMT

Ain't nothing like a romantic love seat swing huh!

~How to simulate life in the Navy~

Southerngirl — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:55:26 GMT

How to simulate life in the Navy:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement deck gray.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you are hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3 pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home......you can't leave until the next day. You have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly lighted off.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. ("Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans over the fantail")

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it world travel.

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for weekend liberty. When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side".....Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen stowed for sea.

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular, "Stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

54. Tie both ends of a string to a brick and hang it from your neck. Don headphones & cup from #53. Stand on your front porch from 0000-0400 and report bearing, range and estimated CPA of all traffic. Update contact reports as necessary.

55. Crush every 3rd shirt button when doing laundry. Clean laundry for the entire family is to be delivered in a single pile on the hall floor. There should not be an even number of socks.

Because no one outside of the navy speaks our particular brand of English, try explaining how you swabbed the deck on the forecastle (but only the slick-deck), while field-daying. And how the head was OOC so you had to get water for the cadillac from the scuttlebutt, but seaman Jones was sky-larking so you had to put him on report...I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: it's enough to make you say FTN!

MAN took his WIFE to the RODEO

BowBo — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:45:46 GMT

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,'That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one.
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow!'