Mossy Oak Forum / General Discussion / Humor Me

Game warden ..

billnsarah — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:37:01 GMT

So Ive been feeling a little sick lately and takin meds while resting at home . I get up today and decide I will drive to the property , pull the cards on my cams , and maybe sit for awhile in one of my stands or a blind . I get in and out as quitely as possible , pull the cards , get back to my truck to review them , and there is a strange truck parked in my lane . Huhh , I think to myself as I pull out my .40 , thinkin it would make a nice target at 35 yards . Then I hear a 'Hey , how yah doin ???' , wouldnt you know it , the local game warden got a new truck , thought he would stop by since he seen my truck . Wanted to know what I was doin ??? I offered him a sign but he didnt understand .

The doctor w/ a accent

Bowman123 — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 09:56:19 GMT

There was a doctor with a accent and he had a women patient and he said hold your breath
so the women obeying cupped her breasts the doctor again said hold your breath obeying she again cupped her breasts so the doctor dicided it was easier to say dont breath!!!

doctors

hamer — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:12:30 GMT

A french docotor says, " Our medicine is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man and put it in another and have him lookin for work in six weeks."
A german doctor says, " we can take a lung out of woman and put it in another and we can have him lookin for work in 4 weeks."
The russian doctor replies," We can take half a heart out of one man and put it in another and have them both lookin for work in 2 weeks.
The american doctor not to be out done says, " We can take a no brain black man out of Illinoise and put him in the white house and have half the country lookin for work."

The Comedy Barn.

FireStrut — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:39:12 GMT

Watch the video and try not to laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

lil boy and girl

hamer — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:07:50 GMT

A lil boy and a lil girl are playin ina sand box and the boy farts and makes an indent in the sand. The lil girl sees this and asks what was that? The boy says i farted . The girl asks can i do that to? The boy says yea sure. The next thing ya know the sand box explodes and the lil boy comes rollin back down the hill. He jumps up and runs over to the lil girl and pulls up her skirt and says, thats what i thought dull exhaust.

Marriage counceling

RajunCajun — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:19:19 GMT

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage . When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat
down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I am either hunting or fishing, depending on what season is in!

Indian and the corvette

hamer — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:22:40 GMT

Indian was walkin down the road and this gentlemen in a corvette pulled up along side him and asked " do ya need a ride?" The indian replied " No but I will race ya." The guy In the vet agreed and they started down the road.

The driver in the vet hit 45 and saw that the indian was still outside his window. So the vet picked up some more speed and hit 65. The indian was startin to gain a lill more on the vet.
The driver picked it up a lil more. Hes now hit 85 and the indian is gettin ready to pass him!

He tromps it down and is hittin 160 and the indian is still there. They start comin up on a turn and the vet doesnt let off. After he rounds the turn he looks out and doesnt see the indian. The driver says to himself " must of gave up."

He pulls in down the road at a bar and a half hour after he gets there the indian comes walkin in all bruised and cut up clothes torn etc. The driver of the vett asks the indian " what happened to you?" The indian replies " You ever have a mocassin blow out at 160 mph?"

Hunting Flies

Blazin270 — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:14:10 GMT

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband standing around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. Kill any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone"

The Two Worst pains

Blazin270 — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:16:42 GMT

One day a man went into the dentist's to get a tooth pulled. When the dentist told him he needed to give him some anesthetic he refused. The dentist told him this again and he refused saying "I have experienced the 2 worst pains in the world I don't need anesthetic". So the dentist pulled the tooth and the guy just sat there and didn't even flinch. When he was done the dentist says to the man "What were those pains ?". The guy says "the first when happened while i was out hunting, I squated down to take a crap and got my nads caught in a bear trap". The dentist asks him what the second one was and the guy says "when I reached the end of the Chain"

Dad and the harvester

hamer — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 08:58:49 GMT

A gentlemen lived on the farm witgh his family and had three boy. His first son who was 16 came up to him one day and asked if he could get a car. The father replys, " Son you see that John deer harvester over there? It cost me 135,000 dollars, when that is paid off Ill by you a car." The son says ok and walks away. The middle son who is 10 asks his dad for a new video game and the father replys, " son you see that John Deere harvester over? It cost me 135,000 dollars. When its paid off I will get you a new video game." The sone says ok and walks away. Now the youngest son who is 5 comes up and asks his father for a new tricycle. The father replys again, " son you see that John Deere harvester over there? It cost me 135,000 dollars. When it is paid off I will get you a new tricyle." The lil boy turns around and walks away. He is depressed and a lil angry while walkin across the barnyard and sees a roosters mountin a hen. He goes up and kicks the rooster and say, " get off her you darn old rooster, there aint no free rides around here until daddy gets that John Deere harvester is paid off !"

Good Joke

turkey30 — Wed, 13 May 2009 11:40:03 GMT

Hey guys heard a funny joke the other day. Goes like this!

There was a hunter out bear hunting one day when he heard something behind him and turned around to see a huge bear standing on two legs behind him looking pretty angry. He dropped to his knees in fear. The bear began to move his way ready to attack. So he decided to say a quick prayer for his life and said " Lord please let this be a nice christian bear". Suddenly the bear stopped growling and kneeled down next to the hunter and started to pray. " Come Lord Jesus be our Guests!" LOL

Hilarious Fishing Story!!!

turkey30 — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 11:58:53 GMT

One time i was fishing with my brother on St. Olaf lake in Southern MN. Me and my bro were catching them all day long while our friend had nothing. He left the ice house to go to the bathroom and we reeled his line up really fast and hooked one of the fish we caught on his line and dropped it back he came in screaming oh man i got one and reeled it up. Me and my brother just sat there smiling at each other and trying not to laugh and we just told him Good Job!!
His face was pricless!

Why The Maritime Provines of Canada have NO Outfitters of any kind??

Philson — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:23:40 GMT

I live in Nova Scotia Canada. There are more hunters and game fisherman around here than you can shake an "UGLY STICK" at, and there are absolutly no hunting or fishing outfitters. What we are supposed to buy our gear at walmart or canadian tire?? We have the Miramichi river for pete's sake! Newfoundland Moose and Caribou, Need I say more?? Someone needs to get off their butts and come on up here with a Mossy oak or a Cabellas and start making some money.

Cabelas vs Maritimes

Philson — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 10:14:00 GMT

Since it doesn't seem to bother anyone that the corporate world thinks that we are a bunch of hillbillies, maybe I should start a petition to Stop Any Outsiders from Hunting our moose and Fishing our Salmon or anykind of wild game, as I see quite a few shows on Wild tv where they are in Canada. Thanks for the concern!

The Pastor & The Bishop

Flintlock1776 — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 18:38:07 GMT

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: “Pastor’s ****** Out Front of All”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: “Bishop Scratches Pastor’s ******”. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: “Nun has best ****** in Town”. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: “Nun sells ****** for $10”. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: “Nun announces her ****** is Wild and Free”. The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery & even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ****** and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!!!

Her Name is Ms. Ann

gobble — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 17:11:05 GMT

Yep, her name's Ms. Ann

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuEc-nFULY8

...

Deer Camp

WhitetailFanatic — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:34:02 GMT

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.

Brothers...

turkeyboy113 — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 21:16:40 GMT

There are a couple of brothers. The oldest is Zach and the youngest is Dave.

Whenever problems arise, Zach always tend to talk to Dave. Dave asked, "who is older?" Zach have to answer, "me." Dave have to remind Zach that it's supposed to be Dave depending on Zach, not the other way around. Zach reminds Dave that he's the brains, Zach's the doer.

Until one afternoon Dave got a lot of problems and couldn't do anything right, he decided to pick up the phone and call Zach. Zach answered, "uh, Dave, I am kinda busy right now." Then got hung up. Dave didn't buy that excuse because he knows Zach would end up coming over and do things for him. Dave decided to call again. "OH! OH! OH! NOT NOW!" screamed a woman's voice echoed in Dave's ear. Got hung up again. Dave thought Zach's busy tending to a woman's needs.

Dave hurried over to Zach's place. He saw Zach having a baseball bat trying to get the critter out of the house. Dave asked Zach, "who was the woman screaming in my ears?"

"That was our mama, Dave," answered Zach.
"What's the problem, Zach?" asked Dave.
"Mama thought the snake was dead while she was tryin' to butcher'im, them snake work up and hissed at mama," Zach said.
"Man I thought you were doing it with a woman for a minute there," Dave said.
"You know better than to assume I am busy with a woman when I only have time for our dear mama, you moron!" exclaimed Zach.
"Ok, ok, I am sorry. I tried calling you twice is what made me think that way," Dave said.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Zach asked.
"Well, Zach, it's woman stuff I wanted to ask," Dave answered.

Zach went into the house and got his 12 gauge shotgun. Went outside and shot the tires on Dave's truck. Told Dave that he couldn't think for him because he ain't getting any action at all from a woman.

state trooper

camskipper — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 18:41:46 GMT

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagemant and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the lime, he stopped and spoke to the driver:

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said,

'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
given certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because
I have stopped a
very important person.'

The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
than that.'

The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked,

'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said,

'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

peanuts

camskipper — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 18:30:20 GMT

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.....
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

dad and son

hamer — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 21:04:23 GMT

Dad told his boy to go out on the balcony and stay there and tell him what was goin on out side so him and his wife could fool around. While timmy was on the porch he was tellin his father that the neibhors dog was peein in the bush, the neibhor was mowin grass, sue the other neibhor was goin for a walk, and the Jerad the kid next door s parents were havin sex.
The father asked timmy , " how do ya know that?" Timmy repleid, " jerad is out on the porch."

Wild turkey n whitetail deer

turkeyboy113 — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 18:07:51 GMT

During spring, whitetail deer warned wild turkeys that they're gonna get shot. Wild turkeys were already prepared to expect shots coming in the way. Wild turkeys made it out alive. They were bragging all summer long to whitetail deer how lucky they were not to get shot. Whitetail deer said, "well, you and I won't be lucky in the fall." "Yeah, right, like it's ever gonna happen, deer!" exclaims one of the wild turkeys.

Until fall comes, the unlucky whitetail deer got shot and were hollering at wild turkeys, "CURSE YOU, SHOWBOATER! COME CLOSER! I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YA, PAL!" One of them wild turkeys were laughing so hard and have to come closer to see how bad the whitetail deer got shot to make fun of the situation. So the wild turkey came closer to the whitetail deer. Whitetail deer said, "closer, closer, I'm dying here!" Wild turkey came closer to the whitetail deer. "SUCKER! Look behind ya!" shouted whitetail deer. Wild turkey looked behind and got shot.

Iowan deer in Minnesota...

turkeyboy113 — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:09:18 GMT

Couple of fellas were driving on I-80 in Iowa conversing. The driver wasn't paying attention and ran over a massive 12 pointer buck right before they get on I-35 exit. The passenger said, "what a wasted buck that's not even shot!" "Well, I think I know somebody up in Duluth that could take care of the dressing and we could get them meats for free," the driver said. "Shouldn't we call the police and have the police give us the ticket stub?" asked the passenger. "Not a bad idea," replied the driver. They both called the cops.

The cops arrived and filed report. He gave the driver and passenger the ticket stub for them to be able to have the deer processed once they arrive in Minnesota. The cops contacted Iowa and Minnesota DNR to let'em know couple of fellas' intentions.

Off the couple of fellas and a massive buck in the backseat of the convertible go. On I-35 they are on. Couple of fellas and the deer were getting closer to Duluth, Minnesota. A couple of fellas heard something rustlin'. They turned their necks and screamed their heads off. This massive buck woke up and jumped totally ripping off the convertible. The driver hollered: "why?! why?! Wasted good eating meat!" "I think I know why this deer jumped out since I remembered this old saying my grandfather once told me," said the passenger. "What?" asked the driver. "The deer's from Iowa. He realized he's an idiot on wrong area," answered the passenger. "Go figures why it's spelled this way!" exclaims the driver.

The hitch hiker

hamer — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 17:44:00 GMT

Guy with his dog was hitch hiken and a gentlemen in a corvette pulled over and said I can give you a ride but the dog is not gettin in my car. The guy replies thats no problem he can keep up. The driver says ok if you insist. The driver hits 45 and asks the hitch hiker how the dog is doin. The man replys hes doin fine hes right here at the door at a trott.

The driver is like ok Ill just speed it up a lil. The driver hits 55 and asks again. The hitchhiker replys hes still doin fine and almost at the front of the door. The driver then bumps it up to 65 and asks again, the hitch hiker replies again that the dog is up by his front tire.

This irritates the driver and he tromps on it and hits 120 and with a smirk asks again. The hitch hiker says heck hes about ready to pass ya. The driver slams on the brakes. Smoke and dust is flyin all around and the car stops and the driver gets out and goes around the front of the car and sees the dog standin there.

He says I never would have beleived it if I wouldnt have seen it. But what is that pink ring around his neck? The hitch hiker replies thats his ahole hes not used to stoppin that fast.

Funny and True

tebwell — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:53:57 GMT

Had a buddy tell me about a hunt a couple years ago that happend to him and a friend. They were hunting on a lease on the east side of the Great Pee Dee river here in South Carolina. It was just off of highway 521 between Florence and Marion. Early one morning before dawn he put his friend out on a tree stand and went on to his stand. He told his friend that when he got ready to go to come by and pick him up before he went back to the truck. He never saw anything that morning and it was getting late in the morning and his buddy never showed up. He thought that since it was his first time down in the swamp that he might have gotten lost. He climbed down and headed for the other stand. Upon arriving, his buddy was no where to be found. When he got back to the truck the guy was inside with all the windows rolled up and the doors locked. He asked him what the problem was. He told him that everything was fine up until first light when he heard a noise next to him up in the tree. He looked over to see the biggest damn monkey he had ever seen staring back at him just a few feet away. That unnerved him so bad that he jumped down and hauled ****** back to the truck locking himself in for the past 3 hours. The story was that a local tourist trap and road side zoo had gotten into trouble with the state about the animals and had turned a number of them loose.

chokin in south...

camskipper — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:11:31 GMT

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head, "no.."

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

Music in the Woods

Bass — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 19:53:58 GMT

I love to listen when im it the woods and Blue Man Group is my favorit band. you can visit there website at www.blueman.com and there music is on itunes. I made this vid on ther w Create Your Own Video ebsite.

The Deer Hunt

avidarcher — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 10:35:05 GMT

The Deer Hunt

1:00 AM- Alarm clock rings
2:00 AM- Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed
2:15 AM- Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup
3:00 AM- Leave for the woods
3:15 AM- Drive back home and pick up gun
3:30 AM- Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:00 AM- Set up camp – forgot the damn tent
4:30 AM- Head into woods
6:05 AM- See 8 deer
6:06 AM- Take aim and squeeze trigger
6:07 AM- “Click”
6:08 AM- Load gun while watching deer go over hill
8:00 AM- Head back to camp
9:00 AM- Still looking for camp
10:00 AM- Realize you don’t know where camp is
12:00 PM- Fire gun for help – eat wild berries
12:15 PM- Ran out of bullets – 8 deer come back
12:20 PM- Strange feeling in the stomach
12:30 PM- Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 PM- “Rescued”
12:55 PM- Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 PM- Arrive back at camp
3:30 PM- Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 PM- Return to camp for bullets
4:01 PM- Load gun – leave camp again
5:00 PM- Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 PM- Arrive at camp – see deer grazing in camp
6:01 PM- Load gun
6:02 PM- Fire gun
6:03 PM- One dead truck
6:05 PM- Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer
6:06 PM- Repress strong desire to shoot partner
6:07 PM- Fall into fire
6:10 PM- Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire
6:15 PM- Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in woods
6:25 PM- Pickup overheats – hole shot in motor
6:26 PM- Start walking
6:30 PM- Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 PM- Meet bear
6:36 PM- Take aim
6:37 PM- Fire gun – barrel blows up plugged with mud
6:38 PM- ****** in pants
6:39 PM- Climb tree
9:00 PM- Bear departs – wrap gun around tree
Midnight- Home at last
Sunday- Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place in envelope and mail to game warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

wife from hell...

camskipper — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:09:56 GMT

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did .'

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit fitted in the car he had just pulled over, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part........... :

'Only when he's been drinking.'

Definitions

Flintlock1776 — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 18:49:08 GMT

Obama visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.

The teacher asks Obama if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"That's wrong," Obama says. "That would be considered an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"You are completely incorrect" says the President. "That would be what we

would consider a great loss".

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Obama searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If Air Force One carrying President Obama was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic !" exclaims Obama. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!

polite way to pee...

camskipper — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:08:18 GMT

Polite Way To Pee...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back..'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.' 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''

The teacher fainted.

World's shortest Joke

ADjam5 — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:48:33 GMT

This baby seal...walks into a club

Redneck's Pet Fish

BowBo — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 16:06:25 GMT

A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full
of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The
game warden asked the man...

"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there
licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into
these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several m inutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but
we ain't as dumb as some government employees

Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom

FL_Cracker — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:00:46 GMT

The Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99.5% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

22. If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Sarah Palin thinks of everything....

Squirrelhunter91 — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:04:50 GMT

Just saw this on the Mathews Forums:

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For Instance Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.****** Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.
What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.

Sweet releife, and a red neck hand warmer

skinner0_2 — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:43:22 GMT

If you aint been in this situation, you aint hunted all day in a box blind. And did i mention they make a handy hand warmer? Skinner

Why Guns Are Favored Over Women

NoDak_Hunter — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 11:31:10 GMT

I saw this on another forum and figured I would share.

Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman....

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

~How to simulate life in the Navy~

Southerngirl — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:55:26 GMT

How to simulate life in the Navy:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement deck gray.

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you are hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053".

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3 pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home......you can't leave until the next day. You have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher Operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly lighted off.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. ("Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all ****cans over the fantail")

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it world travel.

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for weekend liberty. When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack"

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side".....Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen stowed for sea.

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular, "Stove secured". Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

54. Tie both ends of a string to a brick and hang it from your neck. Don headphones & cup from #53. Stand on your front porch from 0000-0400 and report bearing, range and estimated CPA of all traffic. Update contact reports as necessary.

55. Crush every 3rd shirt button when doing laundry. Clean laundry for the entire family is to be delivered in a single pile on the hall floor. There should not be an even number of socks.

Because no one outside of the navy speaks our particular brand of English, try explaining how you swabbed the deck on the forecastle (but only the slick-deck), while field-daying. And how the head was OOC so you had to get water for the cadillac from the scuttlebutt, but seaman Jones was sky-larking so you had to put him on report...I mean Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: it's enough to make you say FTN!

Some things you cant explain.

camskipper — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:01:24 GMT

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.

The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her.
Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

"That's not so bad,what's the big deal?" The man said.

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?" The man said.

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. "Some things you just can't explain."

YOU THINK HITTING A DEER IS BAD!!!!!!!!!

WhitetailFanatic — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 18:07:29 GMT